Forward Motion
by RK Ryune
Summary: COMPLETE!Originally, this was about me, but now it's about Kurt. Or maybe just life, faith, fitting in, and the struggles we all face. After all, we all struggle with forward motion.
1. Default Chapter

Watashi-no Yôkai  
My Demons  
  
"What consumes your mind controls your life"—Creed  
  
Never were truer words spoken in my life. Ever since the sixth grade, I've struggled with my thoughts. Obsession, it seems, eats my brain alive. Back then, it was fantasy books. In eighth grade it was boy bands. Now, it's Evo, or X-men Evolution. Obsession is the demon that chases me day and night.  
  
I want out.  
  
Maybe it's nothing to you. After all, not everyone has an out of control imagination. Not everyone is like me in that their thoughts run away with their soul. Not everyone has the same religious upbringing that I do.  
  
You don't really know what I'm talking about because you don't know me. Sure, there are some who are familiar with my stories, maybe even a few of you know me personally. But I can guarantee that not one of you KNOWS me. There's only one being in all of existence that truly knows me, and I know for sure it's not me. Maybe you've heard of him. . . his name is Jesus Christ.  
  
So you're wondering why I'm telling you all of this, neh? It's because I don't want anyone to experience what I have in coming to terms with my personal demon. This is not a fanfic, this isn't gonna make you laugh out loud like my other works. This is meant to make you think. Think about life, about your own demons, and what everything means. This is the REAL Kitsune Ryune, and this is my position on life.  
  
When it comes to faith, the face that I've tended to put on my faith is Kurt Wagner's. To me, Kurt is everything that I am: goofy, cavalier, willing to take/make a joke, and beneath it all, carrying enough heartache to crack even the worst cynic. I cheered with joy when he told Storm in X2 that faith can help you survive. In the prologue comics to X2, he tells off a guard that God isn't racist or bigoted, and that God loves everyone, regardless of looks, background or past mistakes. Originally, this was gonna be a story about Kurt's faith and the struggles that he faces, but the events of last night changed everything.  
  
My parents know that I struggle with obsession. They know the signs of when it's getting out of hand again. And I was heading in that direction. They, once again, confronted me, letting me know that I was only hurting myself with the deceit and lies I was using to indulge my obsession. Inside, I knew what I was doing was wrong, so this is my way of coming to terms with the demons that have been after my heart for almost a year.  
  
Guys, I know some of you don't believe in Jesus as the Messiah. But he really is. Every time I pray, I know that he's listening, because he answers. Sometimes I don't like the answer, but it's a response just the same. If you're not a Christian, I have a question: do you ever feel like the things you do in life just can't fill the void? That's what my obsession is like. I try and try to force-feed myself Evo, plunging deeper and deeper, yet I feel even more empty every time I try.  
  
That void is where Jesus belongs. And I know that. I just don't wanna accept the truth and face the facts. Even so, I'm through running. I'm through lying to mom and dad.  
  
The only way to beat my demons is give my life back to Christ. Yes, even Christians can fall away. We're not perfect, as everyone wants to believe. We screw up, we curse, we lie, we hate. Give us some credit; we're only human.  
  
Maybe the reason I obsess over Evo is because I find understanding in it. I'm the biggest nerd in my grade. I've been teased and taunted all my life, just because I think on a different level than everyone else. Seeing teenagers who struggle with making friends and trying to be themselves, special "gifts" and all, makes me feel accepted. I know that sounds really weird and creepy, but it's the truth. Scorn me all you want, it's nothing I'm not used to. But Evo is more than a "gifted nerd kid looking for acceptance" scenario. It directly reflects what it's like to be a Christian.  
  
With my faith, I sometimes feel like Kurt in "Mainstream." People mock the other Christians in my school, then turn to me and ask me if I support them. I shrug and act indifferently, changing the subject ASAP. But all the hiding just hurts me. Indifference is my image inducer. I want people to see through it, but they don't.  
  
All I'm really looking for is acceptance. A chance to live again, free from the burdens of these personal demons eating my brain. If you can accept me, let me know. I pray that maybe this story about ME, about my real struggles has made a difference in your life. . . or just caused you to think.  
  
This song is from Relient K:  
  
Sometimes it's embarrassing/ to talk to you/ to hold a conversation with/ the only one who sees right through this/ version of myself I try/ to hide behind/ I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified.  
  
And sometimes/ I'm so thankful for/ your loyalty/ Your love regardless of/ the mistakes I make will spoil me/ my confidence is in a sense/ a gift you've given me/ and I'm satisfied/ to realize/ you're all I'll ever need  
  
You looked into my life and never stopped/ and you're thinking all my thoughts are so simple/ but they're beautiful/ and you recite my words right back to me/ before I even speak you let me know/ I am understood.  
  
That's gonna be all from Kitsune Ryune for a while. Keep reviewing, and may God bless your lives.  
  
As for me, thanks for helping me conquer my demons. 


	2. Forward Motion

Okay, I know the first chapter was all about MY demons and my angst. And I also said it was a one shot. But I realized today that faith isn't a one shot. It keeps going and evolving, and everyone feels differently about it than they did the day before. I also decided that sharing my faith under the Evo category probably wouldn't make too many people happy if it was just about me. So we're gonna go back to the original plan, but with a twist. Every day I'll update, and every day will have a new entry in a prayer journal. It'll be my prayers, of course, but Kurt's at the same time. Because Kurt is my muse (how cheesy is that?) and he's a visible face to put on my personality. So. . . keep in mind that this is not only Kurt writing, but Kitsune Ryune as well.  
  
God Bless you all, and may this fic have the impact that I'm praying it will.  
  
Watashi-no Yôkai  
  
Feb. 19: Today was tough, but I know that you were there with me throughout the day. Sometimes I worry that people will really find out what I'm really like, and as much as that scares me, I kind of want it to happen. After all, hiding behind this image inducer (1) day in and day out is wearing me down. See, I want to be able to go to school as I am, without having to wear a mask, but I know what will happen. People will run away screaming, I'll lose all my friends (except the ones who know what I'm really like), and I'll be left all alone.  
  
It's kind of like that one song that Amanda had me listen to, the Forward Motion one (2). Oh, how did it go. . .?  
  
I've been banging my head against the wall/ for so long it seems I knocked it down/ yeah it got knocked down/  
  
Something like that. That's what my life feels like right now. Like I'm beating my head against a brick wall. It's sort of like trying to explain Trig to Evan. . . very frustrating and depressing. Even so, I've come to a standstill since coming here. With all the time I spend in the Danger Room and with schoolwork, it seems like there hasn't been much time for you lately. I used to talk to you all the time, but it seems like I've just gradually quit. And that's left me feeling abandoned. I didn't even talk to you after finding out about Mystique. A few years ago, you would be the first person I would talk to about something that important.  
  
So basically, I want to find my way back to you. Give me the commitment to keep in touch with you and accept myself for who I am. After all, someone is going to find out about me. I can't just bamf away and run from my problems. Sooner or later, I'll have to face my personal demons.  
  
Even so, I know that you are Eternal Life and the Everlasting Father, and that your love will never leave me. I thank you for all the joy you bring to my life, especially for such great friends as I have at the Institute. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for blessing my life.  
  
In Christ's blessed name, Amen  
  
~~~~  
  
So. . . that's the first entry. Read the first chapter to understand symbolism. I thought Amanda would be someone who listens to Relient K. Eventually, I'm going to have Kurt liking them as well, because they're my favorite band and they have GREAT lyrics that mean a lot Please REVIEW, and let me know if you have questions. 


	3. My spirits lifted

*Sniffle* all of you guys make me feel so loved! Thanks to Dark Jaded Rose, Mayasous, Electric Fire, and Nethrahen. Your reviews made my crappy day feel oh-so-happy, because I now I know there are other people like me who struggle with their obsessions. I hug you all. No, wait. . . I glomp you all. You deserve at least that much.  
  
Watashi-no Yôkai  
  
I struggle with forward motion, I struggle with forward motion/ we all struggle with forward motion. . . /'Cause forward motion, is harder than it sounds/ Every time I get some ground I gotta turn myself around again/ It's harder than it sounds/ every time I gain some ground I gotta turn myself around again. . .  
  
After fairly little convincing, Kurt had succeeded in obtaining a burned Relient K CD from Amanda. For some reason, he just couldn't get that song out of his head. It was there all day, playing itself over and over during his math test, echoing in the back of his brain while he was at soccer practice, and lulling him to sleep over the mountain of homework he was attempting to finish.  
  
So much homework, he thought to himself. The trig functions on his page blurred, confusing his thoughts. Why couldn't he think straight?  
  
Maybe it had something to do with the competing music coming from Rogue and Kitty's room. They both like their music loud, which wouldn't be a problem. . . if they didn't play it at the same time and didn't have clashing tastes. Right now, all Kurt wanted was to be free from a world in which playing Lynnard Skynnard and Kenny Chesney at the same time was illegal.  
  
Burying his face in his three-fingered hands, Kurt shook his head. "Mein Gott, give me something to be happy about. Everything else seems so. . . bleh," he mumbled.  
  
He looked outside. The sun was shining, and it had been unseasonably warm all day. Normally, February was a dreary month, with snow piling into large drifts and cloudy, tempestuous weather all month. But today was bringing hope of spring.  
  
Spring always made me happy in Germany, he thought. A light breeze blew in through the open window, bringing with it the smell of grass and the chirping of birds. The smells that floated in through the window brought back a deluge of memories from last spring and summer. Oh, those had been times that would never be forgotten, to be sure.  
  
I've been banging my head against the wall, for so long it seems I got knocked out/ yeah, got knocked out cold/ and my medical bill went through the roof/ and the scar on my head is the proof/ that I'll still remember this when I get old/ I got evicted now I'm living on the street/ my spirits lifted, oh wait that wasn't' me/ to many turns have turned out to be wrong/ this time I learned that I knew it all along/ when I grasp the concept then I'll sleep where you've slept/ when I know I need help, when I turn on myself, on myself...  
  
The song danced through his thoughts and memories. Hadn't it been there last February as well? Kurt watched cars drive down the tree-lined Grimalkin Lane. The sunset over the horizon blazed in fiery glory. Suddenly, a wave of joy passed over him. Kurt gasped, partly in shock and partly in happiness. All the times that God had been there for him, had seen him through the storm, had helped him defeat personal demons flooded his consciousness. God had been there all along. After feeling so. . . abandoned, Kurt realized that it wasn't God who had been missing, it was he himself.  
  
He rummaged around his desk to find a Bible. Flipping through the pages, he found what he was looking for in Philippians 4:7 " And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard you hearts and your minds."  
  
Smiling now, Kurt bent his head and prayed for the rest of his evening and the day tomorrow to be just as full of joy as life was right now. 


	4. A word from KR

Watashi-no YÅkai  
  
Kitsune Ryune Speaks:  
I never intended to be cynical going into high school, yet as I grew older I found it hard to find good in everything as I had in middle school. To me, it just seems there is too much hatred and unkindness to look on my generation in anything but contempt.  
  
I despise my classmates, am disgusted by what they say and do, and loathe all that goes on within the four wall of my school.  
  
Take today, for example. As I stated before, I relate to Kurt, likening my Christianity to his being a mutant. I quail from speaking my mind and defending Christ before my classmates. Today, 3-30-04, I got my chance to speak up. My debate class is the most liberal, atheistic and foul-mouthed group of teenage guys I know. Somehow, the topic of conversation had turned to Christians. One guy, whom we'll call Kyle, said that Christians were the most bigoted people in America. Of course, the only version of Christianity he has ever been exposed to is the racist ranting of Bill O'Reily, but that's a different story.  
  
The conversation went on like this for a while, with harsh words toward Christ being thrown back and forth until I could stand it no longer.  
  
"Kyle," I glowered, my voice hard and flat, "any so called Christian that doesn't love his fellow man is a hypocrite and a liar." He shut up, as I expected, but then another jumped in.  
  
"All that crap about God is Love and Do Unto Others is all derived from Confucianism. And your religion is based on Catholocism, so your non denominational garbage is stupid."  
  
"What do you know about my faith?! Have you ever read the bible?"  
  
"No, but you've never read the Confucian Dao either."  
  
That got me going. Since I was 10, I have been fascinated with Apologetics and other religions, and to be accused of ignorance is a HUGE insult to me. To be quite honest, I know enough about the Dao to know that one, Daoism and Confucianism are in no way related, and two, that Christianity is derived from neither one. I wasted no time in telling him thus, but he just laughed in my face and said I was dumb.  
  
Trying not to explode in front of everyone like that, I left the room to let my anger cool. After all, it does say that a soft word turns away anger, and by God, I did NOT want to be angry. When I returned, the conversation had turned to my reaction.  
  
Kyle spoke to me first. "Hey Ryune, are you done with your Christian fit?" I glared at him, daring him to say more. Unfortunately, he is one of those who likes provoking others, and opened his mouth to say more.  
  
Someone else spoke first. "Why did you leave anyway?"  
  
"Because I'm tired of everyone thinking that I can't see past my own religion. I've spent a good deal of my life trying to understand other people's viewpoints, and it makes me madder than hell when people think I'm as ignorant and bigoted as the other "Christians" who have given us a bad name!"  
  
I sat down, and Kyle got up. He marched over to me, stuck his index finger out, poked the air and made a popping noise.  
  
"Oops! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pop your bubble!" he said, sarcasm dripping from every word. Slowly I rose, actually growling, my hand clenched into a half raised fist. A group of boys, who had been laughing seconds before, blanched and backed away from me. I have never been angry in that class before, and I'm the last person anyone would expect violence out of. Kyle paled to, and sat down a seat next to mine.  
  
"I swear to God, if you hit me I'll kill you," he muttered threateningly. I only stared him down, willing myself not to cause him bodily harm. Fortunately for me, the substitute intervened, saying to him that if I was about to hit him, I probably had a damn good reason to do so.  
  
With that, I slumped into my seat and burst into tears.  
  
Later, as I left the class room, I felt a burning hatred towards Kyle. Who did he think he was to pass judgment on ME? Who was he to torture and persecute me just because of my beliefs? What did I do to deserve his contempt?  
  
As I moved down the hall, I felt my hate melt into nothing but pity. After all, wasn't it Kurt who said (in X2) "I pity them, because they will never see anything but what they can see with their own two eyes."? I pitied Kyle, because he was an ignorant fool who didn't even realize what it meant to me and just thought that he was being funny by making fun of a Christian.  
  
What a fool. Only a fool would think it was funny to hurt someone's feelings. Only a fool would throw contempt and scorn at something he didn't understand.  
  
So, I guess my point is this: love your enemies, and when they feel like being ignorant jerks, don't be angry. For if they're gonna be ignorant, then they are only fools. Pity them and their soul. 


	5. Another Perspective

There are times when I absolutely hate my life. Hate hate hate hate hate. These are the times when I become cynical, depressed, and totally anti- social. These are the times when I can't really compare myself to Kurt, because he's too.. happy. He's rarely depressed, so how on earth can I be like him in this state? These are the times when I feel more like Rogue. And as we all know, family can influence spirituality, neh? So don't worry, the forward motion is still Kurt's... and mine. We just have a new narrator, that's all.  
  
Side note: The next chapter I actually wrote before this one, but I thought it made more sense with the Rogue chapter before the depressed chapter.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~ Watashi-no Youkai  
  
Ever since Kurt stopped wearing his image inducer, he's been getting a lot of crap from the people at school. They tease him mercilessly, and for the most part he's completly oblivious to it. I don't think I would do much about it, though, if it hadn't been for Duncan. Now, everyone knows Duncan's an ass, and he likes to attack anything that has to do with mutants. Since he knows not to attack Scott (too dangerous), Jean (also too dangerous, he might wind up in a coma) or Kitty (dangerous as well, thanks to Lance) he targeted Kurt. AND me. Of course, I set myself up for some of the insults I get from stupid preps like them, but with everything, Duncan took it WAY TOO FAR.  
  
Duncan thinks it's funny to make fun of Kurt's faith as well. Kurt is one of the most spiritually devoted people I know, and he does a good job of keeping his integrity. Duncan, for his part, kept his distance and respected Kurt for his convictions. That is, until we were all exposed. Day by day, Duncan would increase the ammount of taunting on Kurt's behalf until it just got to be too much.  
  
I have never seen anyone explode like Kurt did that day. I mean, I've seen Jean on PMS and even she couldn't rival Kurt that day! Duncan was obviously trying to push his buttons, and Kurt didn't help himself very much.  
  
"How dare you make assumptions about me ven you don't even KNOW me!" Kurt was shouting as I rounded the corner near my locker with Kitty. Duncan had that sefl-satified smirk every anal-retentive jock seems to get when they think they're right about something. "First of all, God doesn't send people to hell. People go to hell because of what they do in life and as an atonement for their sins! Second, Jesus never condemned anyone to hell, like you are saying. Just because he claimed people would get what they deserve does not mean Jesus was a sadistic person and morally wrong because of that. So you are a fool for misinterpreting what is spelled out in plain and simple vords! Besides, vhy vould Christ vant someone to be in pain ven he himself was crucified, the vurst possible death anyone could ever experience?!"  
  
"Maybe the crucifixtion wasn't real. I mean, c'mon, why would someone not defend themselves if they were innocent. And I still say that you are a tool." Everyone but Kurt gasped at Duncan's accusation.  
  
"Vas? If you mean I do God's work, yeah. Of course." Kurt was thourghouly puzzled.  
  
"I mean you are a tool. Tool means that you don't think for yourself, you don't act for yourself, nothing. You're just a Christian because your parents raised you that way and some 3000 year old book tells you you have to live a certain way." THe smirk widened." Not much going for ya, freak boy."  
  
Kurt's blood was obviously boiling, and so was mine. "THat is ENOUGH! I'm not much of a church-goer, but NOONE stands around and insults my brother that way! Duncan, if you have to resort to personal attacks and arguments about Kurt's being a mutant, then you aren't much better than a tool yourself. At least Kurt can argue theology without insulting you, because he's above that. I'm not. You are a stupid, bigoted DUMBASS who will never ammount to anything because you've wasted all your brains on football and picking up girls! And I'm going to LAUGH at you when you're working in the Bayville coal mines and Kurt's off doing something a whole lot better!"  
  
I gave him the ol' double deuce and stormed off, dragging Kurt with me. Kitty trailed behind us. "Oh my god, I have never seen either of you that mad before! It was, like, scary! Are you guys gonna be okay, 'cause if not, I can probably get Scott or Jean to get you out of school for the rest of the day, or something, y'know?"  
  
"Can it, Kitty, okay?" I snapped. "You're not helping."  
  
Kurt wrenched his hand out of my grasp and whirled me around. "Ja? And vat do you tink you vere doing back there, huh? You tink you vere helping very much? Yelling at Duncan isn't going to do much. Now I'm gonna get teased even more because my SISTER had to defend me! Thanks a lot, Rogue." A puff of smoke and the smell of sulfur, along with the distinctive "bamf" hearalded his departure.  
  
I sat down on the floor, back against the lockers. "I hate my life. Hate it, hate it, hate it." Kitty plopped down next to me and raised an eyebrow in question. I glared at her. "Not like you'd ever understand." I stood up and stomped off, hating her, hating Kurt, hating Duncan, hating Jean, and hating everything in the world around me.  
  
I decided to skip the last three hours. School's stupid anyway, and I can make good grades without much effort. Arriving at the Institute, I scaled the wall to my second floor window. It was locked. "Damn," I muttered, trying to dredge up anything I had absorbed from Kitty. I found something, and before I knew it I was flat on my face, half-way inside my room. I phased the rest of the way, and sat down on my bed. Everything in my life sucks, I mused. I pulled out my journal, and started to write  
  
I hate my life. Even if I hadn't stood up for Kurt today, I'd still hate it. I can't get near to anyone, I'm an outcast, and to top everything off, my friends and family hate me. There is absolutely no point in living, so why the hell do I bother?  
  
I considered this some. Why was I even bothering with drudging through high school? Of course, the standard lecture from Scott about teamwork and depending on eachother popped into my head. Then, well, I don't remember what I was thinking, all I know is that it involved Scott and breatheable latex. LOTS of it. Kitty came in later and interrupted my fantasies.  
  
"Y'know, you can be a real bitch sometimes, Rogue."  
  
"Gee, thanks."  
  
"No, really, listen. I know you have some tough stuff you're going through, but it's not all bad. Go talk to Kurt. Apparently he skipped today, too, and he seems to have some issures of his own. You shouldn't stay mad at eachother like, forever."  
  
I thought that was maybe a good idea. Picking up a dusty old bible, I headed off for his room. Life is hard for all of us, and there's no reason why we should endure it alone, right? 


	6. It's harder than it sounds

My spirits lifted, oh wait that wasn't me... So much for forward motion, eh? I haven't been updating in a while, because, well, I haven't needed to. My personal demons left me alone, and my spirts lifted. Oh wait... It seems that just when we think everything is going just peachy, things come crashing down around us. As you could tell from the last chapter, things have been a little rocky in the last few weeks. And lately, they've only gotten worse. I'm moving to California, from the midwest (talk about a change!), the ACT, SAT, and three AP tests are just around the corner, and, to top it all off, I have a bad grade in Chemistry when I've had straight A's since first grade. All day, I've been fighting a breakdown, so now... like always, I'm giving my feelings the likeness of Kurt Wagner. Forward Motion is harder than it sounds. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Watashi-no Yokai (japanese for "my demons")  
  
Kitty poked her head through Kurt's door and realized that now just wasn't the time to borrow his Chem book. She could tell by the points of his ears sticking out at funny angles that he had his headphones on, and that was a clear "leave me alone" signal. He also had his head buried in his hands, and muttering to himself something about too much stress. Silently, she phased back through the door and sauntered down the hall to see if Evan had his book. Not like he ever did, but no harm in asking, right?  
  
Kurt knew Kitty had been in his room, but said nothing. He wanted to be left alone, and if he said a word to her, he knew she wouldn't leave for at least 15 minutes. Kurt rubbed his temples and glanced at the blank computer screen. The last week had been a trip through hell and back. After all, it had been less than two weeks since he decided to be real with himself and ditch the image inducer. THAT was no easy task, and he had taken a lot of crap for it. Now, he stared longingly at the watch on his bookshelf and considered for a minute returning to "holo-Kurt". It was safer, and he woulnd't be persecuted half as much.  
  
Ah, but what was the use? Nearly everyone in the school had seen him without it, and after a week of being blue and fuzzy in public, he'd only be a hypocrite if he started wearing it again.There was absolutely no point in doing so.  
  
Stuck on the side of the road Emotion overload He'll seek and destroy Everything that I enjoy But I won't be the one he takes down No I won't break down...  
  
His grades were poor in that verdamt Chemistry class, too. It was no use if Mr. McCoy helped him out... all that stoichiometry and equilibrium stuff made NO sense no matter who was teaching it. To make matters worse, due to added stress, he had contracted an illness that caused the cartiledge of his ribcage to swell, so that it hurt to even breathe. Forget bamfing, that was like driving a spike into his lungs. His argument with Duncan hadn't made things any better, and he was dreading the next day.  
  
I can't hold my self together. There is just so much added  
stress these past few days, that it feels like I'm going to collapse  
in the middle of the hall and start crying. And there is no way I can  
keep my dignity and do that. But things are just way to hard these  
past few days. I can't even put a number on the number of times I've  
had my tail yanked, my ears rubbed or poked, been called "mutie,"  
"freak," or "weirdo." I swear, if one more person tries to pet me, I  
will bite them. Ah God, my life is falling apart. I want to break  
down...  
  
No, no tears can't start falling right now! Not here, not while  
Logan or Scott, or worse, Kitty can just barge in with any reason to  
at any minute! Maybe if I sit on the balcony then I can be alone. No,  
that never works either. Someone always comes out to give me some dumb  
life lesson and talk about some "pivotal" moment. The Professor must  
have a camera out there so that whenever I sit out there, someone can  
come and bother me.  
  
Oh God, where are you? Have you simply abandoned me, left me to  
fight the demons chasing me all alone?  
  
It's too much, too much. I can't handle it all alone!  
  
A soft knock on the door startled him out of his anguish. Quickly, he wiped his eyes and nose. The good thing about having fur was that no one could tell if he had been crying. He opened the door a crack and saw Rogue standing outside with a small book under her arm.  
  
"Vat do you want?" He demanded accusingly, remembering her little fit from that day.  
  
"Kurt? Ah thought, maybe, that with, ya know, all this stress that this mahght help..." she drawled, offering him the book opened to a page. Gingerly, he took the book from her and realized that it was an old and battered Bible.  
  
"Irene had it in her basement. Some guy, Ah ahlways thought he was one of those Holy Rollers, told me ahbout this, and, Ah don't know, it always helps me out. After all, Ah've got enough problems of mah own, raight?" She scuffled a boot on the carpet and waited patiently for him to read the hi- lited verse.  
  
"First Corinthians 10:13... God doesn't give us anything we can't bear... and when we are put through hard times, he always gives us a way out so that we can stand under it." Kurt read aloud. He raised an eyebrow at Rogue, and she shuffled nervously.  
  
"Sometimes, life cahn really get ya down... but it helps ta know that someone's lookin' out fer us, raight?"  
  
Kurt smiled. It did indeed. 


	7. I don't care

It took me a while to work in the BEST band ever created in Christian music history. Especially since it's not the kind of band a guy like Kurt would listen to. So if it seems a little... eh... give me some credit, I'm doing my best.  
  
Thanks to my faithful posse of reviewers. You guys are a God-given source of inspiration and hope. You have no idea how much you've helped me with my personal demons.  
  
After all, we ALL struggle with forward motion.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~ Watashi-no Youkai  
  
Kurt was feeling better a week later. After his little tiff with Duncan, and Rogue's intervention, he felt better. A lot better. Maybe it had something to do with standing up for himself . . . or maybe it was God. After all, a little prayer never hurt anyone.  
  
At this point in time, he didn't really feel like being confined to his room. If it was any other day, he would've gone down to the video arcade and played a few dollars worth of Dance Dance Revolution, but he just . . . didn't feel like it.  
  
Since his lungs felt better, he decided to try random bamfing. That always made him feel better.  
  
*Bamf!* He was in the kitchen. Seeing that Kitty was busy making muffins, he decided that staying in there was not a good idea.  
  
*Bamf!*He nearly scared the crap out of Professor X and Logan in the Cerebro Control Room.  
  
*Bamf* A scream and a sound beating definitely determined that bathrooms with girls in them were a BAD idea.  
  
*Bamf!* Hmmm . . . the girls dorm. Maybe I can talk to Rogue or Jean, he thought. He began strolling towards their rooms at the end of the hallway.  
  
In passing Rahne's room, he stopped and gave a mental groan. If there was anyone who had the weirdest taste in music, it was Rahne. Out of all the people he knew, she was the only one who would willingly admit to liking boy bands. And right now, sappy love songs and repetitive beats were blasting from behind her door.  
  
He shrugged and started to head down the hall when her door burst open. "Aye, Kurt! I was meanin' to catch ye! Rogue said ye were feelin' a bit down in the dumps about yer faith. I know ye aren't the type o' lad to listen to boy bands, but I think this one song may help." Before Kurt could protest, the lycanthrope grabbed his arm and dragged him inside.  
  
"Now this band is called Plus One," the Scottish lass lilted. "They be a Christian band, like that Relient K you listen to." She popped a gray CD into the stereo and pushed track 6. Kurt had to admit, he was surprised. This was unlike any boy band he'd ever heard before.  
  
Could it be yesterday? I could've sworn the same thing happened just the other day Put on the spot Now what am I gonna say? If I tell them who you are will they think that I'm insane? Do I really care? Well, yes and no, maybe so Because if they don't think you're real, how will they ever know? So I won't stop 'Cause even if they laugh at me, that doesn't change a thing about what I believe What I believe. . .  
  
He was amazed. This was a boy band? What ever happened to shallow lyrics? He glanced sideways at Rahne. "Just listen!" was her only response.  
  
I don't care what it takes! I don't care who it shakes! I don't care what they say, I'm gonna do it your way Even if I'm afraid Don't wanna make you look fake I don't care about anything it's not about me!  
  
Kurt really didn't know what to think. This was amazing. A boy band, of all things, had just made an impact on his life.  
  
"Me lips are sealed if ye feel like burnin' yeself a copy."  
  
~~~~~~~~  
Kurt sat on his bed staring at the CD. Obvious. What a great title for a CD. He'd listened to the entire thing twice, and every song seemed to tell him something about his life. Camouflage. He'd been hiding who he really was for way too long. I don't care. Oh, he wished he didn't. Could there ever be a point in his life when he didn't?  
  
Start to Fly.  
  
He smiled and remembered Forward Motion. Maybe he could finish off his demons after all. ~~~~~~~ Sorry I kinda left you hanging there. You'll just have to wait until Monday to read the next chapter. About Plus One: I'm a huge +1 fan. I could go on for pages about how great they are, but Kurt, being a guy, obviously isn't going to be fangirlishly obsessed with boybands. So I hope this doesn't totally take his character out of context.  
  
Reviews! You have no idea how much they help everyone's forward motion! 


	8. Am I Undestood?

I want to thank everyone who has been following my Forward Motion with this fic. You can never know what kind of impact you make on someone's life, so I would like to encourage you to all branch out the message of Christ to your friends, family, and peers. God isn't some fuddy-duddy sitting up in heaven, he isn't silent, and he isn't uncaring. He's real, alive, and more than ready to have a relationship with us, his children.  
  
This is a song fic chapter, so I hope you like it.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Watashi-no Youkai  
  
Sometimes, it's embarrassing, to talk to you. To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through this version of myself I try to hide behind. . .  
  
After a year or two of the image inducer, facing the kids at school was hard. He'd been without it for many weeks now, but even so, Kurt knew that people still feared, still resented and still hated him for his appearance.  
  
Still, there was no way Kurt could return to wearing a mask. His mask had been physical as well as mental. He'd denied who he was for so long that it was impossible to bear anymore. Mutant, Christian, geek, whatever and whoever he was, he knew that his only option was to be that person and stand up for himself.  
  
"We all wear masks," he mused to himself. It was true. Whether it was Rogue, who put up her tough-girl attitude to hide the hurt, scared, and longing little girl inside; Scott, whose macho attitude was only a guise to cover up his fears and tears; or even Logan, who, under the growling and tough talk, was really just trying to be liked and be a father figure to the several kids at the Institute.  
  
I'll bury my face, because my disgrace will leave me terrified. . .  
  
Being himself was scary. There was no end of rude comments, threats and just annoying questions that pestered Kurt every day. He wanted to run back to the inducer, turn it on, and pretend that he'd always been normal.  
  
But it was too late.  
  
And sometimes, I'm so thankful for your loyalty. Your love regardless of the mistakes I make will spoil me. . .  
  
Even with all the torment and confusion, God had always been there. He never went away, even when Kurt would yell at him and ask him why certain things had happened. God was there when Kurt failed his Chemistry tests, God was there when Kurt had yelled expletives at Duncan, God was there when Mystique had used him and Rogue, and God was there when he didn't have any problems at all.  
He almost took God for granted.  
  
My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me. And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need. . .  
  
Kurt never felt confident in who he was, yet somehow he found enough courage to go to school as he was.  
  
God was always beside him.  
  
You looked into my life and never stopped, and you're thinking all my thoughts are so simple, but so beautiful. And you recite my words right back to me, before I even speak. You let me know I am understood.  
  
Even when Scott or the Professor failed to explain life and angst to him, even when Rogue couldn't be there to support him, God understood. God understood his thoughts, his feelings, his hurts and joys.  
  
He never prayed aloud to God. God knew what his voice sounded like, and his thoughts came more freely in his native German. God knew what he was thinking, and God understood the anguish in his life.  
  
God had been an outcast once, too.  
  
And sometimes, I'll spend my time just trying to escape. I work so hard, so desperately in an attempt to create space. 'Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know. I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go. . .  
  
Even when God was there, Kurt resented him. If God was so understanding, then why had he been cursed with his appearance? Why was he the one with a tail and pointy ears? Why was he the only one brave enough to stand up and stand out?  
  
He tried to run. He buried himself in TV, in the internet, in writing, in studying, in friends, in doodling, in anything he could do to keep himself from God. He didn't want to be loved all the time.  
  
He never felt worthy. Why would God want to love someone like him? There were plenty of things in his life that he was not proud of. There had been words he said, things he'd done, that he felt God could never forgive.  
  
Yet it said right there in the Bible, "ask and you shall receive." Since he was old enough to pray, Kurt had been asking for a different appearance.  
  
But it was like asking for the moon. There was nothing he could do to get away from God. You're the only one who understands completely. You're the only one who knows me and still loves completely. . .  
  
And sometimes the place I'm at, is at a loss for words. If I think of something worthy, I know that it's already heard. . . and through the times I've faded and you've outlined me again, you've just patiently waited to bring me back again. . .  
  
Suddenly, God's overwhelming love took over Kurt. He gasped and fell on his face. God LOVED him, regardless. He couldn't do anything to make God not understand, to make God not love him.  
  
God just waited for the right times to bring him back.  
  
Kurt smiled. His God wasn't a god who judged people. His God loved people regardless of background, ability, strength, mentality, sins, and even appearance.  
  
He was there always.  
  
You looked into my life and never stopped, and you're thinking all my thoughts are so simple. . . but so beautiful. And you recite my words right back to me, before I even speak you let me know  
  
I am understood  
  
~~~~~~~~~~ So that turned out a lot longer than I wanted it to. But it needed to get written.  
  
We are understood. 


	9. With All Your Heart

Well, folks, I finally did it. I told my parents about my account. I told them that I've been writing, I told them about all these stories, and I told them I didn't regret writing, but I did regret dishonesty. You see, my personal demons weren't obsession, weren't that Kyle guy who challenged my faith, and weren't the mean jerks at school.  
  
My personal demons, watashi-no youkai, were a passive attitude and the lie I've been telling mom and dad. Oh, it feels so good to finally have gotten this off my chest! I've been lying to them and to myself, and you know what? I am happier tonight than I've been in six months.  
  
And now that they know, I can honestly say that I'm finally making Forward Motion. It is harder than it sounds, but by doing the right thing, I know now what my deal these past few months were.  
  
I was vulnerable. I was depressed. I was uncomfortable with my life because I wasn't being truthful, and I was just letting my life pass me by.  
  
In 2001, I made a promise to myself to do whatever I did with all my heart. That promise was soon broken, but now I've realized that I must go for whatever I do with ALL MY HEART. With everything I got.  
  
We all struggle with forward motion.  
  
Watashi-no Youkai  
  
You make this world a better place  
When you try your best each day  
Just listen and your heart will show the way  
And it'll make you strong inside  
Every time you do what's right  
In a time of Darkness, you'll find light  
  
And you'll find you have the courage within  
To fight for what you truly do believe in  
  
With all your heart  
I know you can do anything  
With a little faith you can reach right up to the highest star  
There's no mountain you can't climb  
Just look inside your heart you'll find  
The strength inside  
All you have to do is try  
With all your heart  
  
And there's a difference you can make  
So never underestimate  
The power of what one can really do  
  
And nothing's gonna stand in your way  
'Cause now you know you've got what it  
Takes to save the day  
  
With all your heart  
I know you can do anything  
With a little faith you can reach right up to the highest star  
There's no mountain you can't climb  
Just look inside your heart you'll find the  
Strength inside  
All you have to do is try  
With all your heart  
  
And if you start to stumble  
And if you start to fall  
Just keep reaching for your dreams  
And know you're gonna catch them all  
  
With all you heart  
I know you can do anything  
With a little faith you can reach right up to  
The highest star  
There's no mountain you can't climb  
Just look inside your heart you'll find the  
Strength inside  
All you have to do is try  
With all you heart  
  
-Plus One  
  
Through the last few months, Kurt has been there as my conscience. He's the voice inside my head that tells me what is and isn't right. He and I share the same beliefs, the same insecurites, and the same fears. Oh, to be accepted and to fit in.  
  
But you know what? Fitting in isnt' the key to life.  
  
Believing in yourself is. Reaching your highest star, and going for it with all your heart. THis isn't the first time I"ve learned this lesson, nor is it the last. God just has to repeat himself so that we simpletons get it right.  
  
It feels so good to be back where I belong: in the arms of my Jesus and safe in his protection.  
  
May you all find your highest star. It's been a privelege to write this and to experience Forward Motion with you all.  
  
Me? I'm going to chase my dreams and conquer my demons.  
  
God Bless you all! 


	10. We all struggle with Forward Motion

Here it is, folks. The last chapter of Forward Motion. Over the past three months, I've learned a lot. My mom asked me the other day what I had learned this year, and I wasn't sure how to answer. But I know what I've learned now, and I couldn't have learned it without all of you.  
  
Thank you for your support, and I hope you all find Forward Motion in your lives and overcome your Personal Demons.  
  
Watashi-no Youkai  
  
_Wo-ah, I've been banging my head against the wall For so long it seems I knocked it down Yeah it got knocked down. . .  
  
_For three years, I've been fighting an uphill battle with myself. I've been struggling with my faith, with fitting in and with living my life. You see, I tend to just let my life pass me by. I'm afraid of what'll happen if I do something about my circumstances. I never stop to consider that the worst thing that could happen is often not that bad. I haven't been to a school dance because I'm afraid of being rejected, it took me two months to tell Mom and Dad about my activity on this website because I was afraid they wouldn't think me their perfect little girl, and I was afraid to make a move for God because I was scared of being teased and losing friends.  
  
Deep down inside, I was still the scared little 5-year-old who got made fun of all the time.  
  
They say that banging your head against the wall burns 150 calories. While I hadn't been doing so physically, I was giving myself a mental and spiritual concussion because I was afraid to stand up for myself.  
  
But when you keep running your head through support beams, eventually your world crashes down around you.  
  
I kept silent in hopes that that event would never happen.  
  
_And my cleaning bill went through the roof And the wall I knocked down was the proof That my landlord needed to kick me out. . .  
  
I got evicted now I'm living on the street My spirits lifted, oh wait that wasn't me Too many turns have turned out to be wrong This time I learned that I knew it all along When car crashes occur then I'll be what you were When I see what I should when I see that it's good. ._ .  
  
And so I drifted right through 9th and 10th grade. My life was externally happy, what was I to care? Sure, my best friend started to hate me because her new friends were "cooler" and less Christian than I. Sure, I sat in my room for hour after hour doing nothing in particular because I was bored and never went out with friends. Sure, I was doing less than I wanted in debate because I never did any decent preparation. Sure, my life was running past me and I didn't do anything about it.  
  
I didn't care. So long as I was able to keep a smile on the outside, what did I care? Besides, I had an awesome summer to look forward to.  
  
The summer was awesome. I met so many new people and finally got a chance to be myself, instead of pretending that I was someone else. I blissfully found new obsessions, new friends and new found confidence.  
  
Too bad the only thing that lasted was the obsession. I was scared to death of my parents finding out about my obsession with Evo. I don't really know why, when they did eventually find out they were pretty much okay with it. IN fact, a few months after the event was Christmas, and my mom bought me an Evo DVD, watched X2 with me, and even tried to watch Evo, asking me who was who and why was that guy blue, and why did she save them when she's supposed to hate them, etc. I should have learned my lesson then and there; my mom and dad are a lot more understanding than I gave them credit for.  
  
I was okay, but I still felt like my world was falling apart. I kept telling lies and pretending that everything was okay in my life.  
  
But I felt further from God than I'd ever felt before. I was depressed, alond, down the wrong road, and wating for almost a miracle to get me out of the place I was in.  
  
_That it's good To experience the bittersweet To taste defeat than brush my teeth Experience the bittersweet To taste defeat then brush my teeth  
  
'Cause I struggle with forward motion I struggle with forward motion We all struggle with forward motion And Forward motion is harder than it sounds Every time I gain some ground I gotta turn myself around again It's harder than it sounds Every time I get some ground I gotta turn myself around again_  
  
When I discovered Fanfiction.net, my world seemed a little brighter. Yeah, I was disobeying my parents by signing up a secret email account, but so what? I'd already lied to them, I could do it again.  
  
Then I began Forward Motion. As much as this has been about Kurt's struggle, it's also been about me. Every thing that happens to Kurt in this story is a direct reflection of what was going on in my life. The verbal arguments with Duncan can be paralleled to my verbal battles over Christ with Kyle. The poor grades in Chemistry: mine. The hurt, the turning away from God, the distance from the utmost important thing I know; I drew lines between me and Kurt and wrote this story.  
  
I realize now that I never should have turned to a cartoon or a group of people I don't even know, but instead I should have turned to my Lord and King, Jesus Christ. This is not the end of Forward Motion, its the beginning. And I'm starting where I should have-- with God.  
  
I never was able to move forward until I realized that I needed his help to make any sort of progress. Only with his help can I conquer my personal demons.  
  
After telling mom and dad about FF.net, I felt better than I had in three years. I was finally learning to stand up for myself. I'm not ashamed of what I've written, or that I even have this account. If all goes according to what I hope, I'll be merrily writing more fiction in the very near future. But this time it'll be with the assurance that I'm not doing anything wrong by my parents or by my God, because their opinion is what matters most.  
  
It's been bittersweet. Swallowing your pride is the hardest thing to do, and it tastes terrible going down, but it leaves the best aftertaste, knowing that you did something right. It hurts to admit I was wrong, and even more so to tell the people who trusted you that you've violated that trust.  
  
But after it's all over, one step in the right direction has been made. And even one step constitutes forward motion.  
  
This year, I learned that forward motion is gained only by action. By doing the right thing. I thought I could vindicate myself by defending Christ to this nonbeliever in my class, yet I didn't do it with the right attitude. As a result, I only hindered myself more.  
  
Forward motion IS harder than it sounds. . . but once you've made it, there's no telling what'll happen. I'm ready to face my fears, to do the right thing, and to go for it for God. My personal demons are done chasing me, and only because I decided to stop living a lie and give my life back to Christ.  
  
If you feel like you've been away from God, don't hesitate to run back to him. He's always been waiting there for you, just like he was for me.  
  
After all, we ALL struggle with forward motion.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Kurt rubbed his eyes sleepily and checked the clock. It was almost 11 pm: definetly time for bed.  
  
He turned to the computer screen and read the last line: "After all, we ALL struggle with forward motion." He knew it to be true in his life, for sure. But things were starting to look up for the fuzzy one. Duncan was leaving him alone, Rogue was being nicer, and he'd finally stopped being afraid of his own relflection. He felt the confidence to walk down the halls of Bayville High as he was.  
  
Blue, Fuzzy, Christian, and 100% himself.  
  
Personal Demons, your days are numbered.  
  
He smiled, closed the window, and shut down the computer. Saying his nightly prayer, Kurt knew that tomorrow would definetly be his brighter day to come. 


End file.
